Most Likely to Survive a Zombie Raid
Because we had such a great time reading your answers to our zombie question in the survey, we felt it only fair that you get to read some of our favorites, as well as see who you want on your zombie-fighting team…gang…squad…troop? We also give you a chance to vote on your favorites, as well as chime in if you have any ideas.
Lindsey Culli (who can be found at pinchofpanache.com or on Twitter @1truesentence) is Gretchen’s zombie-attack-weapon soul mate. Though both have a limited reach, they went for answers that involved objects not only used in book publishing but also for excavating eyes:
Lindsey’s answer: “Well, of course like everyone, I’ve planned sensibly for zombie attacks. Weapon of choice, for me, an awl: good for book-binding and gouging out eyes.”
Gretchen’s answer: “My vast supply of pens for editing. I’m betting I could take out a lot of zombie eyes that way, and frankly, they are lying about everywhere in my apartment, car, all my bags, etc., so I’d always have them on hand.”
While Lindsey and Gretchen are definitely on the same page, they would possibly need one of you who chose a weapon with longer range to keep yourself alive. After all, no one wants to take on an angry horde of mindless minions with only gouging weapons and a small strike zone.
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Zombie attack stats: 
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♦ Awl/pens (or other gouging devices) → only 2 of us
♦ Tank → 1%
*Stacee Himes (@shimes06) modified hers to include a Tanks for Dummies book as well—love it!
♦ Dynamite → 2%
♦ Sling shot → 2%
♦ Hand-to-hand combat → 3%
♦ Legs/fleet feet → 3%
♦ Chainsaw → 7%
*Nonfiction winner April Streeter (@april2462) modified hers to be a solar-powered chainsaw in case the zombie mob managed to cut off the electricity
♦ Handheld weapon to dismember with → 7%
*These answers ranged from axe and samurai sword to light sabre (for Ariel Cinii, found at http://sodyera.livejournal.com)
♦ People → 10%
*We found Janine Talley’s (@J9Talley) answer hilarious:
“To kill a zombie, I’d call on my husband Darryl’s former Buffalo Bills teammate, Hall of Fame quarterback, Jim Kelly. I’d have him fire footballs at their heads. He possesses the precision of a military sniper. Each ball launched would hit the zombie between the eyes with laser-like accuracy, thrusting the zombie’s head backward causing it to be severed at the brainstem, rendering the zombie brain dead within nanoseconds. This method works for me because I’m a girly girl. I don’t like scary things. I’m afraid of the dark and zombies thrive in dark places. Enlisting Jim to do my dirty work would remove me from the situation. Using the method of firing footballs from a distance would also ensure Jim’s safety.”
While some talked about strong loved ones, others chose, well, different answers:
“Whoever is standing next to me.” (Though she changed it at the end, we just loved this answer) – submitted by Sandra S. Rice (whose blog can be found at shemadeitallup.blogspot.com)
♦ Gun of some kind → 17%
*One entrant would have a shotgun/baseball combo, for backup and close fighting situations—you would all be a good partner for Gretchen or Lindsey
♦ Flame of some kind → 20%
*These were normally flamethrowers (good range on these bad boys too)
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Now those of you who do simple math will realize that we only have 70% up there, which means there are quite a few answers unaccounted for. To be honest, we didn’t expect SO much imagination, so here are some of our favorites that did not have another answer even close to being in the same category:
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“Sarcasm,” submitted by fiction winner Audry T (@AudryT) because “They’re going to get you anyway, so you might as well go out snarking.”
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Bad poetry “…read aloud in a monotone.” For Jeanne Glassman (found at www.jeannelyetgassman.com) to put them to sleep and tiptoe away
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“A wood chipper. Messy but effective.” For Kenneth Campbell (@authordrummer and www.authorcampbell.com)
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“A CD player. I’d stick Thriller in there, and then they’d be forced to dance. Enough distraction to run away to safety.” – Ellen C. Jensen (this was Gretchen’s favorite)
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“Long-range Teflon-coated spray canister with hydrofluoric acid. Eats away the eyes and absorbs into the skull so that you can spray on an approaching horde of zombies without worrying much about accuracy.” – Ben Langhinrichs (@blanghinrichs and www.benlanghinrichs.net)
new line
“My 1949 Ford 9N tractor, with bucket in front and 6′ mowing deck behind. I am untouchable AND creating valuable fertilizer at the same time.” – Ami Hendrickson (@MuseInks and museinks.blogspot.com)
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“…since zombies are the walking dead, my weapon of choice would be dry ice. I would put them on ice and hold them until I could train them not to attack, but to serve. Then I would loose them at after-Christmas sales and always get the best buys.” – Sandra McDow
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“A bar of soap. First, like middle-school-aged children, they are terrified of baths. Second, they say sleeping with a bar of soap under your blankets alleviates leg cramps. I’d make their legs feel better, they would no longer walk all wonky, and they would praise me as their savior for helping them blend into reular society. Attack over…until I turn them against you. Mu-hahahahaha.” – Ash Krafton (www.frontiernet.net/~ashkrafton)
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“According to the Facebook quiz, I’ll be annihilated within the first 10 seconds of the zombie attack. I do not have your back on this one.” – Ann Marie Gamble (@amgamble and annmariegamble.com)
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Last but not least, Morgan Baden (@MorganBaden and www.morganbaden.wordpress.com) does not need one because “The zombies would never attack me. They would sense a kindred spirit and leave me alone.”
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Again, thanks to all who participated! There’s more to come. Stay tuned for Gretchen’s next article, “Hey, Baby, What’s Your Genre?” We’ll also be posting some of our writers’ top-10 reading and listening-music lists from the survey soon.
